Monday, August 27, 2012

A Down Kind of Day

Current Weight: 166.2
Lost so far: 43.8
Pounds to go: 11.2

This weekend was really hard for me.  I went on a hike on Saturday and it was beautiful, we hiked for 10 miles on the Tahoe Rim Trail.  My legs were sore but up to the task and it was a really lovely morning hike.  Then on Sunday I stepped on the scale and it was up 3 pounds in one day...  In my mind I know that it's because I worked my muscles really hard and that makes muscles retain water.  I KNOW that but it's still depressing as hell and yesterday I had a very frustrated cry that it just feels like I'm not really making progress any more.  I have ran, hiked, or been on the elliptical almost every day for 3 weeks now while still being very careful about what I eat and I weigh more right now than when I started and it's not just gaining muscle/losing fat because my measurements are not changing.

Just typing that I want to cry all over again.  I know that I can't gain 3 real pounds in a day and water weight is all it is but when you're retaining water it just looks different in the mirror and I feel like a failure.  Then I think well, I'm still down 44 pounds from last Christmas, how is that a fail?  But I just can't kick that feeling.  And what's worse is that since I'm now in the healthy BMI range, and I'm not technically "fat" anymore, I feel like I don't have a right to feel frustrated about a lack of progress.  Skinnier girls aren't supposed to cry about being fat, right?  It's just that I want to be able to run a marathon.  I want my thunder thighs to finally look like they have muscles and not just jello on them.  I want to be fit and healthy and not just "skinny".  Skinny isn't good enough without fitness. 

I'll keep plugging along but I'm really struggling with some self doubt right now.

Lake Tahoe from the Tahoe Rim Trail

Lake Tahoe from the Tahoe Rim Trail

Washoe Lake from the Tahoe Rim Trail

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